“Girls” recap. “Vagina Panic”
Crazy that I needed a whole post on racism and diversity before Lena Dunham could even offer a second episode recap. Let’s shift the conversation entirely about stuff that really matters…vaginas. Now I know that the Dems and Repubs have been politicizing on our lady parts for months now, but I wasn’t ready for this episode’s va-jay-jay hyper analysis on STDS, abortions, and menstrual cycles. I doubt my mom reads this blog, but recapping ep.2 is even making me bashful (and I get paid to write about Love and Sex). Let’s go!
We open with our star-crossed lovers Hannah and Adam in a really uncomfortable and fleshy sex scene (yes, even more uncomfortable that last week’s near nonconsensual anal). I’d rather not go over the play-by-play, but it’s safe to say Hannah’s boyfriend Adam watches way too many pornos. Cut to the second excruciating sex scene with Marnie and Charlie that’s so pathetic and sad that it’s perfectly uncomfortable in the exact opposite way. In a nutshell, Charlie doesn’t know how to “fuck” and Adam doesn’t know how to “make love.” Side note: Which boyfriend would suck more? One who is sexually repulsive or one who makes you feel like you’re being touched by your weird uncle?
Meanwhile, Jessa’s smoking pot in Shoshanna’s room while she’s putting together her homemade manifestation board that she uses for inspiration or something. Shosh, in a bold move after deep contemplation, puts down her glitter pens and spouts this episode’s best lines:
“You know Jessa, what you’re going through is like really, really hard for any young woman. And it totally makes sense that you would want to escape through drug use, but you have you have to know that you’re not just my cousin you’re my friend, and I could not be more proud of you for getting this abortion.”
I know someone like Shoshanna who reads self-help books and makes manifestation boards…I can’t effin stand them. Clearly Shoshanna’s hanging out with cool, older girls who are completely out of her depth. You know that Jessa only brings out her awkward cousin out of pity. But later in the episode she confesses that she’s, gasp, a total virgin and then you just want to hug her and give her a makeover like Tai in Clueless.
The day after, we see Hannah, the dirty little whore going home to her parents covered in Adam’s cum. She’s not of course, she’s referring to some disgusting sex talk Adam threw out mid-coital. Funny that Adam’s reaction is like, Well aren’t YOU the weirdo. After serving her a platter of hooker stuff and daddy stuff, they have a honest conversation about condom use and it appears that Adam just doesn’t really bother with safe sex. He’s too busy woodworking and contemplating which color Gatorade is superior (p.s. ladies love blue).
We next see Hannah at a job interview where everything seems to go swimmingly. The interview with the geeky HR guy is going well and they seem to get along with their mutual disdain for hipster bars with “mixologists.” Then Hannah casually drops in some date rape statistics and the HR guy appropriately reacts in horror. Ooooh painful. Date rape is NOT office talk. I hope Hannah pens this life lesson in one of her essays. She can call it “What not to talk about during interviews.”
Over the course of the episode Hannah becomes increasingly freaked about STDS, and like any normal person she Google-diagnoses herself about “the stuff that gets up the sides of condoms.” (Advice: Turn on Google autofill!) And like everyone else who consults Dr. Internet, that person becomes a crazy hypochondriac. Hannah quickly calls Marnie at work to schedule her an appointment with the gyno alongside Jessa’s abortion. That’s what friends are for!
At the clinic, Marnie’s already there, perma-scowling at how late everyone is. Hannah arrives next and Shoshanna after because she was thoughtful enough to pick up some abortion snacks. During the wait, Marnie confides to Hannah that she hates her regular periods and stain-free underwear. She worries that her sexual irresponsibility should mean, statistically, she should have gotten knocked up by now. Oh no, what if she’s barren?? Ugh, I hate her.
Anyway, Jessa, the lady of the hour, is nowhere to be found because instead of having an abortion she’s too busy starting happy hour at England time, ahem EST 1 p.m., and having uncomfortable sex (the episode’s third!) with someone she just met. In the middle of her date raping him—she demands him to put his hand down her pants—he unwillingly helps her discover she’s on her period. Abortion averted! Jessa’s elated because that means she can have more sex.
We end the ep with the lovely picture of Hannah and her legs in ugly stirrups being examined by the gyno. Hannah, because she’s obsessive and awkward, cannot stop rambling about AIDS and how it’s not that bad to have it these days and that she might actually want it. Yeah, I mean, I’ve found myself joking with my gyno to make it comfortable too but I doubt I’ll ever conclude that I want AIDS. So the gyno’s like “Seriously, girl, you don’t want AIDS because you’ll probably die.”
Then Hannah’s like: “You mean if Adam gave me AIDS I might die?”
Then the gyno’s like: “No, shut up. Anyway, you could not pay me to be a 24-year-old again.”
Hannah: “Yeah, they don’t pay me.”
And fade. Well that episode ended on an awkwardly morbid note…Hannah’s possibly diseased and still broke. She’s got 99 problems but (hopefully) AIDS aint one.
